already gone.

"My good opinion once lost is lost for ever."

-Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

that day i decided it was over for good and i would just have to accept that, regardless of my heart.  i wouldn't be the kind of woman who would take back a cheater.  it would be disrespectful to myself and my family and to all who have been cheated on, in my opinion.

the good news is that i've never once had the desire to go back.  every decision i've made in the last month has been one that i fully stand behind.  i have not stumbled, i have not thought for a second that we could work it out.  there's nothing left there, and it's the saddest thing, but that's what happens when love is betrayed. 

there are people out there who might think i'm giving up too easily.  love like that doesn't just end.  it doesn't just leave your life in one moment and you never think about it.  the thing is that i tried for a really long time to get him to work on it.  what happened between ernest and i didn't happen in one day, or one week.  we had problems for a very, very long time.  i begged him to get help.  i told him that his issues were affecting our relationship, but it wasn't important to him.

i stopped being important to him and that is why it didn't work.  there's no fixing that.  and that's what has made me so strong at a time when i could have been an absolute mess.  along with my incredible support system, obviously.  i know i deserve better.  so as easy as it would've been to just go back to him when he told me he wanted me back, i was already gone. 

moving on has been the easy part.  when you can take a step back and realize that you were being mistreated and that you're worth more than that? that's the most healing thing that a person can experience.  recognizing my strength and his fault helped me to quell any desire i might have had to be with him.  i'll never be in love with him again.  that's something that is lost for ever, and i'm at peace with that.