Wednesday, May 24, 2017

excerpts from a book i'll never write - twelve.

these are the fears i feed myself:

that your "sure" or "you can come if you want" are his "i don't know yet" [when talking about hanging out].

that i am too much.  too much hope, too much love, too much anxiety.  too enough.

that i am not enough.  too quiet.  too inside my head.  too old.  not round enough.  a girl who has never been perky.

that i'll scare you off if i let you in, or i'll push you away if i don't.  ever a failure.  ever a disappointment.

that i'll say too much on a drunken night.  or hold back too much on a sober one.

that there will always be a monster lurking under the bed, with long legs and long hair, the scent of fresh cut grass on her skin.

Monday, May 22, 2017

#MondayMantra



i am tired.  physically, emotionally, mentally drained.  but each new day brings me closer to where i'd like to be, and i can only get there if i rise, and rise again, day after exhausting day.

the journey feels like an endless battle against what we "have" to do, versus what we "want" to do.  but, remember, the best things in life never come easy.  don't be discouraged because you take a few steps back, these things happen.  just breathe, and keep moving forward.  power through those "have-tos" so you can get to the "want-tos".

have a powerful week, loves.  :)

Friday, May 19, 2017

fri-yay!!!

flashback from last year's birthday celebrations at edc in las vegas.

i cannot believe my thirty-first birthday is in less than a month.  time really does fly, doesn't it?  i think i'm going to lay low until then.  put my head down and focus on my paralegal studies (oh, didn't i tell y'all?  melissa and i are doing the paralegal certification courses at our alma mater!), work on the business with my sisters, get some running and working out in, and tryyyyy to work on some stuff for the blog.  i seriously need to focus.  my head has been in the clouds, a lot lately, and i feel like i have so much to do.  i know by the time we get to the beach for my birthday weekend, i'm going to be ready to relax and celebrate!

peak of the week:  finally made it out to tucker's on a thursday night to try their wings.  we were not disappointed.  if you ever decide to give it a try, go for the southern wings.  they were amazing!

it's the pits:  today my heart hangs heavy for my city and the family, friends, and fellow firefighters of the safd firefighter who lost his life last night in the line of duty.  nothing "pit"-like in my life compares.  please keep him and his loved ones in your thoughts.

i took a lot of down time this week, to talk some things out with melissa, and try to recover from the last few crazy busy weeks.  i do have a lot going on, but i'm also trying to make a conscious effort to appreciate my time.  i mentioned last week how i've been saying 'yes' to things that i might not have agreed to in the past, and it's all because i'm really trying to move forward and create a greater distance between me and the things i experienced in my twenties.  yes, there are things that i would not have had in my life (like my love affair with new orleans) had i not experienced those things, but it's time for new memories, and happiness and, hopefully, one day, love.

have a happy weekend, y'all!

xoCandice

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

the uncaged bird. [excerpts from a book i'll never write - eleven]

what was it about you, that attracted me?

you are the antithesis to everything i've ever cared about.  and yet, here you are, immortalized through my therapeutic release of the pain you inflicted upon me.

don't you dare ever miss me.  you let me go, like an uncaged bird.  so you should expect me to soar away when i see you laying traps before me.

i was always too smart for you.

Monday, May 15, 2017

#MondayMantra


life is too short for anything mediocre.

in a month i turn thirty-one.  now, i am of the belief that age is just a number, and you're only as young or old as you feel, and i feel ever-so-young, but it still stops me in my tracks that i've lived through three decades already.

every year as i reflect on my life i think, man, i've really learned a lot this year.  only to find i still have a lot to learn.  maybe it's that i see every setback, every broken heart, every scary situation, as an opportunity to grow.  or maybe i was a real asshole in another life, and i'm still paying for it.  haha, could go either way i guess?

in all seriousness, i think i've finally experienced enough to grasp the concept that life really is too short.  i've shortchanged myself always, for as long as i can remember, and i've lost out on a lot of really great moments because of it.  but i can't do that anymore.  this was the year that i learned to find balance.  and it's brought me to a great place in my work life, as well.  there's something to be said about enjoying your work, and putting your head down to move up and move forward can be so rewarding.

i can say, in all honesty, that at the end of the day i can look myself in the mirror and i feel no regret, no shame, no distaste at my own reflection.  i'm genuinely content with where i'm at in my journey, and the plans i've made for my future, and the path i've chosen to my own happiness.  the important thing to remember is my happiness is my happiness, so therefore, my path is my path.  no one else's.  i am one-in-seven billion (as we all are), so how could i ever compare myself to anyone else?

matthew mcconaughey said that he looks up to the man he'll be in 10 years, but he'll never actually reach that man, because the man he'll be in 10 years will always be his hero.  so at 15, his hero was him at 25, and at 25, his hero was him at 35, and so on and so on.  i get that.  i feel the same way.  the person i look up to, is me in 5 years.  because i know how hard i am going to have to work between now and then to become that person.  and 5 years from now, i'll have a new dream, and a new hero.

in the meantime, i'll be taking a lot of deep breaths, keeping my demons at bay, and trying to surround myself with positivity, because i've seen how other people's negativity can drag me down.  i don't want to be a miserable, cynical version of myself - i want to always be proud of and appreciate the person i see in the mirror.  sometimes that means letting things go, and trusting that the universe will take care of you, if you take care of yourself.

as always, i remind you - you only get one life, babes.  live it.


Thursday, May 11, 2017

porch light.

shoutout to rae vision photography for this pretty picture.

she's magic, that one.

---

i don't quite know where i read that.  perhaps pinterest?

the mêlée in my mind has taken over for the last week.  it has rendered me speechless, wordless, unable to write a coherent thought.

i woke up sunday night in a panic.  couldn't calm the ocean of grief and doubt i was drowning in.  i get brave for a moment, and then i backtrack.  i move on for a moment, and then i'm flooded with memories.

do you know what i think?  it's unfair.  it's enough to make a woman of a certain age, just a tad bit cynical.  and it's maddeningly overwhelming.

---

i have fallen in love, over and over again with songs.  with movies.  with novels and essays and poetry.  it's the feelings they evoke.  the sense that i'm physically feeling the pain, or excitement, or love, that the singer, writer, character is feeling as i listen or watch or read.  but i've never felt love with a partner in that sense.

i've been in love with men, yes.  but there was always something i held back, for myself.  in both of my long-term relationships i found it hard to share my love of reading, my love of the written word, music, travel, with my partner.  i don't understand how that happens.  but, that's what i've meant when i say i was a shell of myself in each relationship.  i didn't feel free to share those things.  (oh, but if i could tell you stories about the last relationship and how hard it was to share things with a narcissist! no, no.  we're moving on.)

and it's so sad, because i passionately want to share those things with a partner.  i want to find someone with a mind as hungry and open as mine is.  but i grow tired and weary of trying.  i've thought of giving up so many times, of accepting a future as a single woman.  i've even made a back-up plan for having children.  but i won't say the words out loud.  i won't say that i'm scared.  because i know i'm stronger than that.

but sometimes, i fear the fate of my great-great-aunts, maya and lala, spinsters by their time's standards, is my destiny.

---

it's the magic in my eyes saving me.  on the cusp of cynicism and yet i still stop to marvel at the stars on a clear, backroad texas night.  and i keep my porch light on, just in case.

Friday, May 5, 2017

fri-yay!!!

just a little nola nostalgia.

there's been this change in me, lately, to embrace my freedom, to say 'yes' where i would usually say 'no' out of fear of what could happen, to stop hearing the ticking in the back of my mind and let the chips fall where they may.  it's exhausting to care so much about someone who doesn't return the feeling, or who can't return the feeling.  it's exhausting to think about how time is precious and you just may be running out of it.  it's exhausting to always try to be right, and to think that because you've hit a certain age you shouldn't keep making mistakes like you did in your twenties.  let me tell you something, loves, i was married too young, and it caged me for the entirety of my twenties.  now i realize that you don't stop making mistakes, they just change over time, and that's ok.  you can still be young and wild, at thirty.  who you are deep down inside doesn't change just because you enter a new decade.  real talk.

peak of the week:  plans falling into place and giving me things to look forward to, like turnpike troubadours at floore's next weekend, rockport for my birthday, and L.A. in the fall.  oh, and i signed up for this fun little book of the month club.  :)

it's the pits:  i have been eaten alive by mosquitos!  idk where they even come from...but my body is covered in bites.  who has a good recommendation for a mosquito repellent bracelet?

i'm so glad it's friday, and i'm super-excited for this weekend!  i have literally nothing planned, so i get to just relax and enjoy some free time with my sisters and hopefully get all my "chores" done super-early (instead of last-minute on sunday, as per usual).  but when you have a free weekend, i mean, you just gotta go where the adventures take you...

have an adventurous weekend, y'all!

xoCandice