Thursday, March 23, 2017

truer words.

they should fear you, babe.  you are a force to be reckoned with.  who knew your happiness would come at thirty, alone and surviving abuse and tired?  who knew it would find you in those quiet moments on the trail, in your car, reading a book?  who knew you'd start a new job that would open your eyes to the person you've been running from for eight years (maybe even longer)?  you kept putting obstacles in your path - men (boys really) who had no business with a woman like you, wasted time (and money, good lord) in classes you didn't need, jobs with no soul.  you were just stumbling along, completely blind to your truth.  you have always been stronger on your own (remember when you left home to go to college two thousand miles away?).  you've always been fiercely independent, emphasis on fierce.  only the strong will survive you, babe.  only the steadfast and loyal can be sweeter than your solitude.  you have no time for people with no soul (not like hallelujah soul...more like kerouac soul).  people wonder about you.  let them.  they tell you you are lucky when you say you've never been happier.  they don't know what you had to go through to get here.  and don't you dare ever doubt yourself.  you are and always will be fire and ice, the ocean and the moon.  you are every single thing that happened to you, and has yet to happen to you.  you are the stuff of legends.

Monday, January 2, 2017


now that we've finally entered 2017 i'm happy to announce that tomorrow i start a new job.  i'll miss utsa, but this is the opportunity i need right now at this time in my life.  i'm so excited to get started!

when i think of everything that happened last year, and how heavy it was on my heart, i always come back to this one thought, "it's done."  what's done, is done.  we can't go back, can't change the things that brought us to our weakest moments, can't make people love us or appreciate us or respect us.  all we can do is move forward and make sure we leave our hearts and minds open to the magic of the universe.  i'm still the same person i was on january 1, 2016, only i get better each day.  i still get taken breathless by the sweet south texas sky, still feel my heart skip a beat when i read a beautiful quote or hear a song that just gets it, still love running outside, wind in my hair, pushing my body to its limits, still have an insatiable urge to learn and learn and always learn.  

ever better, ever better.  my mantra for 2017.

happy first monday of the new year, y'all. 

Saturday, December 31, 2016

happy new year!

so here it is, y'all.  the end of 2016, the start of a new year.  we can all make resolutions, say "new year, new me," etc., etc., but let's be completely honest here...i like myself the way i am.  i mean, yes, there is always room for improvement, but that's not quite the same thing as outright change is it?  so, like in years before, instead of resolutions i'm making a list of goals.  i fully intend on using lauren conrad's idea to write these down and frame them so i have a daily reminder of the things i'd like to accomplish in 2017.  because if you commit it to paper AND your blog, then you have to do it, right?  riiiiight.  ok, so here goes:

  • learn spanish and not be afraid to speak it.
  • learn to play guitar.
  • run a half-marathon.
  • write down some of my grandparents stories.
  • start yoga.
  • build lucas's blocks, my bed, and a few other projects.
  • pick up painting.
  • more concerts.
  • see a symphony orchestra play.
  • send more snail mail. 
 hope 2017 brings us all joy and good fortune!  happy new year!


top five of 2016.

i think we've all been waiting for this moment, no?  now i can't entirely hate on 2016, because it brought me more joy than heartache, to be honest.  but man, was it hard.  looking back at my year in photos, it was actually difficult to find anything from january-august (i sure did find a whole lot of passive-agressive memes though, lol).  i could sit here and postulate as to why that was, but we're not here to dwell are we?  instead, let's hope for a better year next year as we recap my top five moments of 2016.

1.  welcome, baby lucas.  i am ashamed to admit this, but i was apprehensive about becoming an aunty.  the dynamic between my sisters and i is so important to me and i was worried about how it would change once we added nieces or nephews to the mix.  also, i worried about my baby sister's health and happiness (ever the big sister, even if she's 25 - i'm still protective).  but it has been so magical to see how becoming a mother has only made my sister's life better, and the moment i knew lucas had made it into the world, i fell in love.  it's been so amazing to see him grow over the last two months, and i live for the little cooing sounds he makes, his squirmyness, and how peaceful he looks when he falls asleep.  also, that baby smell!  i've heard people go on and on about it, but i never thought i'd fall prey to it.  it's all i can do to not sit there sniffing him all day lol!  ok, overshare.  sorry!

2.  the demise of roxie.  this shouldn't be a top moment, but it is.  it was time for roxie to go, and it was time for me to let her go.  we had an amazing seven years together, covering over 150,000 miles, half the continental u.s., and about a year's worth of tears.  i still miss her, but it's time for a big-girl vehicle.

3.  garth brooks live in concert with my bff, lisa.  he was amazing, and one of my faves since i was knee high to a grasshopper.  so grateful that lisa took me with her!

4. celebrating my thirtieth birthday.  bittersweet that i had a such a good time in vegas at edc, but the people i love the most weren't there.

5.  planning lucas's toy story baby shower.  everything came together so nicely and it was so much fun putting together the decor.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

excerpts from a book i'll never write - six.

i can't sleep
i think of you instead
and how long she and i shared you
in the same bed

you should've just let me go.

carrie fisher.

carrie fisher died yesterday at age 60, "drowned in moonlight, strangled by [her] own bra".

what a sad, sad day.  i don't usually write about celebrity deaths, mostly because i don't know them personally, but for princess leia...i might have to make an exception.

you see, on monday my parents, casee and i all went to see rogue one.  i sat right next to my mom, the star wars fanatic, and the one who inspired the star wars fanatic in me.  i experienced the excitement she had as she witnessed the cool princess leia tie-in at the end, and i realized that what i felt about rey in episode vii and jyn erso in rogue one was exactly what my mom must've felt for princess leia when the first trilogy came out.  i see how little girls idolize rey since episode vii released and i realize that my generation didn't really have that (we had disney princesses, y'all, ever the damsels in distress, always with a happily ever after).  but my mom's generation did, in the form of carrie fisher as princess leia.

but carrie fisher wasn't just princess leia.  she had several other notable roles in movies like "when harry met sally" and wrote several books.  more importantly, however, she used her platform to raise awareness about mental illness and female empowerment.  we know she struggled with her own "demons," but she was also a great writer and comedienne.  she humanized addiction, she forged a path to discussion about mental health treatment.  she fought tirelessly for those who don't always fight for themselves.

the world is just a shade darker today, without the fabulous carrie fisher.   may the force be ever with her.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

tunes-day: every girl - turnpike troubadours.

and her tongue is like the devil when she tries to concentrate
she says she don't want marriage but she still believes in fate
and she stands her ground defiantly but cries when she's alone
oh she's every girl i've ever known

this song, this morning.