Friday, October 26, 2007

until her heart stops.

being a high school senior is great. you're like, "yes! i'm finally getting out of here! i get to move on with my life and become an adult! my whole life is ahead of me and college is supposed to be awesome!" blah. blah. blah. then, you become a college senior and you're like, "shit. i'm actually getting out of here? you mean i have to move on with my life and become an adult? what am i gonna do with my life!? college was awesome! can i just stay?" yeah. can i?

it's easy to be a college student. sure, classes can be stressful, but compared to living on your own and paying bills and having an actual job? college seems like paradise. why would anyone want to leave? i know i say i want to be done all the time, but that was before i realized what i was going to be dealing with in the future. i can handle the job. i'll probably have more free time after college than i do now. i can handle paying the bills. the last thing i want to happen to me is to be caught without money to do fun stuff, like go to the coast with my grandma, mom, and sisters every august, so i know i'll stay on top of things. but being by myself?

currently, my plan is to move in with ernest after i graduate. it's the chance to experience another city, another state, before i head back HOME for good. i plan on getting a job, hopefully at a university, in human resources. after at least a semester off from school, i want to go back. right now i'm thinking i'll go into business, so whatever the game plan is for that i'll be doing it. and i want to finish school before i move back home.

but i'm not sure that i'm ready to be left alone for long periods of time. i guess i've felt so alone here at school at times that i don't want to have to go through it over and over again for the next 4-5 years. i know i'm supposed to be supportive of ernest's job, but i really just don't like the idea of him leaving me in whatever city we end up in to go overseas. i don't know how my friends that also have significant others in the military do it. it wouldn't be such a big deal if we ended up somewhere near friends or family. i think. i think the 5 days that i was here with friends and he was in some other country was pretty hard on me. i can't imagine how i'm gonna feel when he goes out of the country for a month. i guess i have to prepare for that, because it's going to happen soon, but i really don't want to. i just don't.

i think that has a lot to do with the way i've been feeling lately. i keep lying to myself and pretending that it all has to do with stress, but in a way that does stress me out. everything does. i'm a senior in college, with a heavy workload. i work 15 hours a week on top of classes. i'm the vice president of marketing for my sorority. i'm the president/captain of the cheerleading squad. and i get about 5-5&1/2 hours of sleep per night except on fridays and saturdays. i feel guilty, because i don't have a lot of time for my family (besides emails and the occasional phone call to my mom on the way to my car) or ernest. stress. stress. stress. rawr.

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