Saturday, September 17, 2016

this ain't fun no more.

well lorrie said i wonder what we went through all this trouble for,
you ain't half of who i thought you was and this ain't fun no more.
and her words cut clean through drunk and dark and dimmin' doorway light,
well i've had all i can handle, hope you happy now, good night.
- turnpike troubadours, "good lord lorrie"

i should've broken up with you the night i went to the turnpike troubadours concert at floore's with melissa and eder.  should've told you i was done.  because, i guess if i'm being honest, i was done that night.

i wasn't even angry at you for not telling me that the ballroom was closed, or for not telling me you were going to hang out with your cousin (again) that night.  oh, it slipped your mind to tell me, right?  i had been making excuses for you for so long, it didn't even matter anymore.

i hung up on you in earnest that night.  i was done.  tired.  sick of fighting for a love that didn't exist anymore.  i'm not sure why you tried so hard to apologize.  called.  texted.  told me i was right to be upset with you.  said you were going to go to austin with your cousin and i should have fun with melissa and eder.

the concert was amazing and for once i didn't miss you.  i just enjoyed the music.

we went dancing after.  at cooter brown's.  we grabbed stools and drinks and sat for a while listening to the music.  then melissa and eder went to dance, and i stayed watching our drinks and her purse.  this guy sat down near our seats and started a conversation with me.  he was out celebrating his sister's birthday with her and her friends.  we talked for a while about what he did and where i grew up, went to school.

he asked if i had a boyfriend.  i said yes.  and then he asked what they all asked, "where is he?"  and for the first time since i started going out without you, i had no answer.  i shrugged my shoulders and he must've seen the hurt in my eyes.  he said what they all said when i told them you were too busy, you worked late, you had to get up early, etc. - a pretty girl like me should never be left alone.

suddenly i felt less like a choice and more like an option.  always on the backburner.  i thought about ending it, but you had texted me around 1:30 am or so that you loved me, even if i hated you, so instead i texted you that i made it home ok when i got to my house later that night, with the intention of going to sleep and not talking to you anymore til the next day.  but you called me a little after that, upset about how your night had ended, and i tried to tell you it would be ok and it wasn't your fault.  and it wasn't, honestly.

we all know that i didn't end things that night, but i would say that was when my heart started to be less in it, and i began to realize that yours wasn't in it at all.  funny how the memory of that night sticks in my head.  how after everything happened i realized that it was the beginning of the end.  that i clung to the lyrics in that song, "good lord lorrie," and it bugged you so.  it's one of my favorite turnpike songs now, but it'll always remind me of that night.

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