Wednesday, August 17, 2016


it's true what they say - "the truth will set you free."  even when it's the hardest thing you have to say, or the hardest thing you have to hear.  even if it breaks your heart first.  even if it plays into every fear you have.  because eventually it does.  eventually it sets you free.  eventually you forget all the lies, all the cloudy what-ifs, and all you're left with is a fresh start.  but you have to have the strength and courage to face the truth first.  so that's what this is.

there are a million things i didn't get a chance to ask you, a million things i never got to say to your face.  you never afforded me that option, and maybe i wouldn't have chosen it, even if you had.  truth is, i forgave you almost immediately.  it made it easier to block you.  so i had to.  even without hearing you say that you were sorry.  even knowing that you probably weren't sorry.  even knowing that you would likely continue to violate me, drag my name through the mud, or allow the people around you to do so, so that you could feel better about what happened.  so that you could keep her.

i realized though, that in the way things ended, i didn't get a chance to apologize either.  and while to some it might appear weak, or like i'm continuing to allow myself to be the victim, it really comes from a place of wanting to let go.  of wanting to not spend nights unable to sleep, replaying situations over in my head, wondering if you feel sorry too.  it comes from feeling like there were things that needed to be said, and never were.

so i'm sorry, ok?  i'm sorry that at one point i think you might have loved me.  i'm sorry that i believed so fiercely in being your 'shotgun rider' over your 'ride or die', because i wanted to be your partner, not your accomplice.  i'm sorry that i was so insecure over knowing that you texted other females, even when you told me they were 'just friends'.  i'm sorry i believed you when you told me she was 'just a friend,' especially now that i know SHE. WAS. NOT. JUST. A. FRIEND.  i'm sorry that i said mean, hurtful, angry things when we argued, and that we argued over mean, hurtful, angry things.  i'm sorry that i let myself get too drunk sometimes and said terrible, but forgivable, things.  i'm sorry that i felt so guilty for all the times i got too drunk.  i'm sorry that i never could quite make up for those times.  i'm sorry that you stopped coming around because my family could see right through you.  i'm sorry that i believed in you and us so blindly.  i'm sorry that i hurt when other people you cared about hurt you.  i'm sorry that i wanted to tell your dad how much he hurt you when he would tell you you weren't doing something right or well enough or how bad you wanted him to be proud of you and that you would cry after being on the phone with him sometimes.  i'm sorry that i hated him for you.

i'm sorry that i wasted both of our time running the thrift shops for the last year.  i'm sorry that i let you talk me into running the thrift shops for you, that i didn't go with my gut when i turned you down not once, but three times.  i'm sorry that i loved the idea of building a business with you so much, that i took all the risk in that since you weren't fully committed to me, that i never ran it to your liking, that i struggled through so many disappointments and mistakes, that I. KEPT. GOING. BACK., that i never gave up, until i didn't really have any other choice but to.  i'm sorry that i couldn't depend on you and you never depended on me.  i'm sorry that i ever tried to call you when something would go wrong with my car.  i'm sorry that i would say it was ok when you didn't answer, i knew you needed rest or i knew you were busy with work.

i'm sorry that i left my favorite black leather jacket hanging in your closet.  i'm sorry that i'll probably never see it again.  i'm sorry that i let you put the trailer in my name.  i'm sorry that you think the things you did for me, which i was appreciative of, outweigh the things you did TO me.  i'm sorry i never wanted jewelry or purses or for you to fix my car, but that i did want to dance and hold hands and go on adventures with you.  i'm sorry i wanted more time, more commitment, not because you were never enough, but because i never believed in settling, standing still, or taking a moment for granted.  i'm sorry that i thought you were my adventure.

i'm sorry that you probably have deluded yourself into thinking that i DROVE you to cheating.  into believing that you are the victim.  into making me out to be the bad guy in this scenario.  i'm sorry that i never would've cheated on you.  that i never did.  that even though you accused me of doing "something" i was always faithful to you, even when we were "on a break."  i'm sorry that you are the only person i have slept with in the last three years.  i'm sorry that i embarrassed you in that terrible snapchat video i made.  i'm sorry if you feel hurt, by my words or my absence or the fact that i just do not want you in my life anymore.  i'm sorry that all i can remember now are all of the shitty things that you did or said to me, and NOT.  ONE.  GOOD.  DAY.

and i forgive you.  i forgive you for being so careless with the best things i had to offer - my loyalty, my love.  i forgive you for breaking my heart.  i forgive you for not realizing that even though you had broken me down as much as you could, i'm still a strong, independent, bitch.  you probably could've learned from ernest about that one.  he forgot, too.  i forgive you for telling people i was crazy, without giving them the background for why i got there.  i forgive you for using my past with ernest against me - and you know you did.  i forgive you for doing this to her, too, because maybe i don't know her one bit, but i'm sure she didn't deserve this either.  i forgive you for thinking you would get away with it.  

i forgive you for violating me in the worst way - for making me feel disgusted, dirty and used.  i forgive you for being so much like your father.  i forgive you for letting me down.  i forgive you for yelling, and screaming, and making me cry, and making me believe we might be able to get through all our hardships, and for telling me you loved me, and for calling me at 4 am from austin that night ralphy went to the hospital, and for pissing me off earlier that night because you lied or you hid the truth, and for somehow getting me to stay when i should've walked that night and about a dozen nights before that.  i forgive you for getting me to beg you on the nights you were mad at me.  i forgive you for giving me a drawer in your dresser to make me feel better about our relationship, and somehow managing to hide it on the nights she stayed over.  

i forgive you because you've lost me.  and even if you never realize it, that's the greatest tragedy here.  because i am a loving, caring, loyal and honest person.  i know i'm a catch.  i know i was meant for greatness and i know i was meant to have someone who realizes and appreciates that.  and now i know that was never meant to be you.

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