the moment i read your friends message, i knew it was true. it was like an epiphany. all the strange behavior, the crazy hours, not having time for me, not giving me the emotional things i needed, pushing me away the way he was. it made sense. picking fights, snapping at me for the smallest things. it clicked in my mind. and i believed you. i had no reason not to. and i gave you all my truths, because you and your friend reached out to me, and you deserved to know.
i know you want to believe him. he makes it easy to. but he's a compulsive liar and a manipulator. he took the most broken parts of my heart and soul and mind and used them against me. and he'll do the same to you. now he knows your friend doesn't like him, he'll isolate you. he'll say he doesn't want to spend time with them because of what they said about him and his sister. his sister, the ultimate woman-hater. what kind of woman commits such a horrendous woman-on-woman crime as to also manipulate you, and i, the victims, into believing such obvious lies? i thought she was my friend, but clearly she was just his accomplice.
i can tell you what was in his bathroom on the morning he broke up with me, the morning he chose you. because you figured it out. you were the smarter, braver one. in the back of my mind i knew, i had the inclination that something was up, but i was too blind by my love for him to push the issue. you were stronger. you forced his hand. and i'm the collateral damage. i'm ok with that, because now i know. now i know he didn't love me like he professed to. now i know he didn't care about my well-being like he pretended to. it was there, on the tip of my tongue, but i didn't want to believe it. and now i do.
there were two blue and white toothbrushes, i think one was from his dentist. and then there was a new purple and white one. i'm assuming it was yours. i used to leave a toothbrush there, too, but i started getting sick a few weeks ago. cold sores on my lip twice after sleeping with him. i couldn't figure out why so i threw it away and started carrying my toothbrush in my bag. i would use his mouthwash, as gross as that sounds. first the purple one, then the blue one. i bought that aqua blue loofah about a month ago. it has polka dots on the white handle. that's my aveeno face wash in the shower, along with the two bottles of caress body wash i bought him a few weeks ago. the black bottles, with the pretty smelling red body wash. love something. he's been using pantene shampoo & conditioner, and before that it was loreal. there's also a bottle of tea tree and aussie, although maybe the aussie is empty now. i use biotrue contact solution, and i would ask him over and over why it would end up in the top drawer of his bathroom sink. he blamed belen. also, i couldn't figure out why it was running out so fast, i hadn't been spending many nights there since they opened the ballroom. two of my dove cucumber deodorants went missing in the last few weeks. also blamed on belen. while we were breaking up, i found a size medium victoria's secret tag on the nightstand. i'm a small, so i'm assuming now that it was yours. he told me it was his mom's. the bottom right drawer of his dresser was mine. the last time he was sick, he stayed home for 3 days. i stayed the night with him every night. i took care of him. i bought him like 6 or 7 things of chicken noodle soup. i filled his fridge with oranges and lemons. the small bottles of lemon-lime gatorade.
the night before we broke up, we did go to the movies. we saw finding dory with his nephew. we played at the arcade next to city base. his nephew took home a snake, blue vampire teeth, and some goo in a cup. we got snow cones at gorilla on goliad. we bought ice cream from dairy queen. i watched his nephews with him while his sister and mom went to the grocery store. the baby had a fever and was fussy. i held him the entire time. we wanted to go see independence day, but he lost his keys. he was upset. we stayed in, he kept telling me i felt warm, like sick. we had sex, fell asleep, we cuddled. we woke up and his phone rang twice. the first time we didn't even look and, i asked him what time he wanted to wake up. the second time, he got up, he got in the shower, he must've talked to you. and when he got out, he came into the room, and it was over. just like that. i couldn't understand. i was completely blindsided.
they'll tell you i'm crazy, because that's the only card they have to play. and maybe they're right. maybe i was crazy. maybe i was crazy to give up my life, and try to build one with him.
that's what he told me, we were building a life together. he wanted me
to be his partner. but i was no good at it. that's what he said. yeah, maybe i was crazy. crazy to believe all the bullshit lies he fed me. crazy to let him abuse me mentally and emotionally. shit, sometimes even verbally. i begged him, begged him not to break up with me. i asked him if there was someone else. do you want to know what he told me? not now, but if we stay together there will be. but now i know there already was.
you don't have to believe me. you probably never will. you may not ever see this post. but i woke up this morning, with this on my mind, and i had to write it out. that's what i do. i don't want to talk to him, don't want to see him. he owed me money for the trailer we put in my name, and had offered me two weeks pay i initially didn't want, but as soon as i found out about you, i realized i had to take care of myself, protect myself. i had my dad handle the details for me, meet him for the exchange. because i never want to see his disgusting face again. i don't need to.
i wish you the best. i really do. he may do this again. it's probably not the first time he's done this, and you may not be the only girl he ever cheated on me with. i hope that you stay strong, and if you decide to stay with him, you don't let him do to you what he did to me. because honestly, i don't hate you. i don't know you. this isn't your fault. i have no ill-will towards you. i'm actually grateful that you and your friend reached out to me. that i'm not sitting here pining for a boy who didn't deserve me. i'm glad that you were braver and stronger than i was, because it reminded me how to be brave and strong. so thank you. a million times, thank you.