what i'm reading.

"Do you believe in love?

Of course I'm not referring to those outbursts of passion that drive us to do and say things we will later regret, that delude us into thinking we cannot live without a certain person, that set us quivering with anxiety at the mere possibility we might ever lose that person - a feeling that impoverishes rather than enriches us because we long to possess what we cannot, to hold on to what we cannot.

No.  I speak of a love that brings sight to the blind.  Of a love stronger than fear.  I speak of a love that breathes meaning into life, that defies the natural laws of deterioration, that causes us to flourish, that knows no bounds.  I speak of the triumph of the human spirit over selfishness and death."

i want to believe.  don't you?

but i'm toying with the possibility that maybe not everyone gets to experience such a love.  or maybe they do, but it manifests differently for different people.  maybe some of us are meant to love ourselves solely, or maybe it's more of a familial love we discover (for instance, i'd give my life for my sisters, no questions asked).

anyway, that passage is in the first chapter, which i read last night, and it really stuck out to me.  i reread it probably five times.  my relationship with the ex was definitely selfish.  on both ends.  that's part of the reason why i stayed so long.  i wrote before about my "security blanket".  it was selfish of me to hang on for so long when i knew it was over.  and it was selfish of him to not give us a chance to work things out before moving on.

(trust me, i am so tired of talking and writing about it.  but this is my life, and i would be wrong to pretend it never happened.  so bear with me as i'm still working through the mess of my head and my heart.)

it did "impoverish" me.  it left me wanting in so many ways.  i began to feel like i wasn't good enough.  i believed i didn't deserve him (all the while knowing deep down that it was he who didn't deserve me).  but now that i've experienced that kind of relationship, i know it was unhealthy.  i loved the ex, but it wasn't the kind of love that makes you a better person.

at least now i know what i want from a man.  and i'll hold out for that kind of love, even if it means that i spend my whole life waiting for it.  i'm not going to settle the next time around.

as for this book, i'm excited to finish it.  it's about a woman's journey to find the truth behind her father's disappearance from her life, and the love letters her family discovered after he disappeared.  a journey to another country and culture.  a soul-searching journey.  i'm down for that.