forever and always. (pt.2.)

my heart is having conflicting feelings.

see, i'm pretty good with the decision i made.  i think it's the right thing for me right now.  but that doesn't mean that it has been easy.  that doesn't mean that i'm not second-guessing myself every single day.  it wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't such a hard decision.

this weekend didn't help me out at all.  a member of my family, someone my dad was close to, passed away last week, and his funeral was on saturday.  the night before the funeral, my dad's cousin got up to speak about her father.  she started out saying how he and her mom had been married for over 50 years, and that you could definitely see the love between them.  she then went on to talk about how he loved his children and grandchildren.

i couldn't hold back my tears as she spoke.  i was incredibly sad for her and her family, but also for my family, too.  i'm not talking about my parents and sisters.  i'm talking about the family that i thought i was going to have.

i always thought that ernest and i were going to last forever.  i thought he loved me that hard.  as hard and as deeply and wholly as i loved him. but for a short time last year he didn't love me that way.  and coming back from that, it just can't happen.  i wanted it to.  goodness, did i want it to.

i want 50+ years.  i want kids and grandkids.  i want someone to hold my hand for the rest of my life and to dance with me at weddings and to hug me when i cry.  i wanted all of that with him.  and it's hard to let go of that image of our family i had in my head.  it's hard to come to terms that i won't be with him forever.

i know i have to move on.  and i am trying.  but moments like last weekend make it so hard.