Monday, April 22, 2013

let your heart not be troubled.

i spend a lot of time thinking.  it makes me quiet, and probably makes me come off as shy.  and maybe i am a little.  but honestly, i'm just a thinker.  my wheels are always spinning.  i'm constantly weaving new stories in my head.  working out my problems internally.  it's hard for me to verbally say what i want, because i've been in situations before where my wants weren't met, my disappointment was obvious, and hurtful things were said in return.  i'm trying to forget those moments.

lately i've been thinking hard about my wants.  school and work have been such a conflict lately, and it's affecting me emotionally.  plus, the last couple of weeks have been incredibly hard, and this week isn't going to be much easier.  it's stressful, to think about how sad and hurt i've been lately.  and i don't want to talk about it; i don't want to burden any one with my pain.  especially given that i'm not the only one hurting in the world right now, and often i feel like i'm making something out of nothing.

i'm a lucky girl.  i have great friends and family.  i have love and i do love.  but there is still something not quite right.  still something i feel is missing.  it's a scary feeling, one that often leaves me holding back (or just letting go of) a flood of tears.

so yes, i daydream.  i daydream about a life i haven't discovered yet.  i could hide these things.  i could deny that i want more than i have.  but, that wouldn't be fair to me, nor to the people who love me.  so, here are just a few of the things i've been dreaming about lately:

1.  a job that is fulfilling.  lately my job has been very stressful and i feel as though i am getting little out of it.  my internship, however, has been amazing, and i really want to find a job that is similar.

2.  the strong arms of a man, an honest-to-goodness, kind-hearted, hard-working man, to wrap around me at the most random moments.  affection and their attention when i'm sitting right next to/in front of them.  because lately i've been lonely, and i worry that it's going to last forever.

3.  more time to spend with my sisters.  we're all so busy, that we don't make as much time for each other as we used to.  i just want a girls night out, maybe some karaoke, and a few good, from-the-belly laughs.

these may be a little more difficult to find than a cute pair of shoes, but i know that the wait will be worth it.  and one day, i'll happen upon that life i've been dreaming of, and it won't take me by surprise because i'll know.  i'll know it was meant to be.

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