Thursday, December 27, 2012

the truth.

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Little Women, Louisa May Alcott

i'm ready for this year to be over.  i think i can honestly call this one the worst of my 26 years.  yes, i know, there are people in this world worse off than i am.  everyone has trials they have to suffer through.  i just feel as though mine all occurred in this one year.  and i just want to be so far past them, that they're barely even a distant memory.

i love the holidays, i really do.  christmas has always been my favorite time of year.  but this year, i really felt as though i was forcing it.  it's hard to be happy when i could feel my heart breaking a little more every second of our festivities.  i felt alone, and i was surrounded by my family.  the people i love.

well, all but one.

what am i supposed to do with that?  i'm a rational woman.  as much as i love fairy tales, i know i don't actually live in one.  there's no easy button, no time machine.  i wish more than anything i could erase the past year.  entirely.  all of the regrets, yes, regrets, because there were things i did that i wish i hadn't, i'd take back in less than a second if given the chance.  and then maybe i wouldn't be feeling so horrible right now, as i go through yet another trial, another shitty thing that i don't want to deal with, and one that i'll carry the rest of my life.

one of my best friends told me that i dwell too much.  and i think he was right.  i do, that's one of my personality traits i can't seem to shake.  i'm a worrier, a planner, and an overthinker.  but no matter how hard (or sometimes, to be quite honest, how little) i try, things rarely seem to go my way.  it's depressing and stressful.  it's a lot to deal with.

so really, right now, all i can think about is the new year, my new internship, and trying to turn over a new leaf.  be more aggressive, stop letting people walk all over me.  go for what i really want, rather than thinking too hard about what everyone will think.  focus, focus, focus.  just give me a new year, and give a big "F YOU" to 2012.

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