I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
i'm ready for this year to be over. i think i can honestly call this one the worst of my 26 years. yes, i know, there are people in this world worse off than i am. everyone has trials they have to suffer through. i just feel as though mine all occurred in this one year. and i just want to be so far past them, that they're barely even a distant memory.
i love the holidays, i really do. christmas has always been my favorite time of year. but this year, i really felt as though i was forcing it. it's hard to be happy when i could feel my heart breaking a little more every second of our festivities. i felt alone, and i was surrounded by my family. the people i love.
well, all but one.
what am i supposed to do with that? i'm a rational woman. as much as i love fairy tales, i know i don't actually live in one. there's no easy button, no time machine. i wish more than anything i could erase the past year. entirely. all of the regrets, yes, regrets, because there were things i did that i wish i hadn't, i'd take back in less than a second if given the chance. and then maybe i wouldn't be feeling so horrible right now, as i go through yet another trial, another shitty thing that i don't want to deal with, and one that i'll carry the rest of my life.
one of my best friends told me that i dwell too much. and i think he was right. i do, that's one of my personality traits i can't seem to shake. i'm a worrier, a planner, and an overthinker. but no matter how hard (or sometimes, to be quite honest, how little) i try, things rarely seem to go my way. it's depressing and stressful. it's a lot to deal with.
so really, right now, all i can think about is the new year, my new internship, and trying to turn over a new leaf. be more aggressive, stop letting people walk all over me. go for what i really want, rather than thinking too hard about what everyone will think. focus, focus, focus. just give me a new year, and give a big "F YOU" to 2012.
No comments:
Post a Comment