Thursday, June 5, 2014

what i'm reading.

"do you realize that your refusal to utter the word 'love' to your lover has created a force field all it's own?  withholding distorts reality.  it makes the people who do the withholding ugly and small-hearted.  it makes the people from who things are withheld crazy and desperate and incapable of knowing what they actually feel."

the first "column" in tiny beautiful things made me cry.  i read it sitting in pepboys, waiting for my sister to pick me up while my car got an oil change.  i was so embarrassed to be the only girl sitting there, tearing flowing down my cheeks, but it was too hard to hold back.  her words struck me so deeply in my heart, y'all.

i am nothing, if not a lover of words.  my entire life has been one giant adventure through the words of jane austen, the bronte's, hemingway and the rest of the ex-pats, maya angelou, etc.  i write this blog because there are stories in my heart that must be written down somewhere, anywhere.  i've always expressed myself best through words, rather than actions.

but i realized lately, that i have been holding back a little bit.  i'm still a little scared to say what i feel, afraid that i'm letting too much of myself show, making myself vulnerable.  it's hard to voice what you are thinking or feeling, when you're not entirely sure what the other person is feeling or thinking.  maybe it's that i don't trust my feelings, because i was so very, very wrong before.  or maybe i just need to suck it up and spit the words out.

i'm determined to make life an adventure.  that means taking all ups and downs that come with living each day as though it could all end at any moment.  that means being brave when your heart is beating out of your chest, you can barely raise your voice above a whisper, and you're not sure if the words you speak or the actions you take will cause you to fall.  it might happen.  but it might not.

the words and the actions go together, y'all.  you have to be willing to offer both to the people you love if you want your relationships to go anywhere and last.   otherwise, they may walk away thinking, 'i'm just not sure, i can't be sure,' and without that certainty, they might never fully know their own feelings.  i'm not willing to lose life's greatest adventure because i am too nervous to say what i feel.  and, lawd, i hope that the person i love is willing to do the same, because i really hate feeling crazy.

really.  really, i do.

read strayed's book.  you'll be so inspired to take a long, hard look at your life, and love yourself more, and treat your loved ones better.

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