Monday, September 20, 2010

one forty-two.

i think i've struggled with my weight since i was 10 or 11 years old.

no child wants to be called "chunkers" or have people say "you have such cute thunder thighs".  really?  and this came from members of my family?

i've always been an athlete.  i played several sports at a time until i was in high school, when i only played softball, year-round.  in college, when i didn't make the softball team (due to my own self-destruction, i'll admit) i decided to join the cheerleading squad.  i've always been a good dancer, and had originally tried to join one of the dance groups, but quickly realized i didn't really fit in with those girls.  when i saw the cheerleading squad was holding tryouts, i had a good feeling about it.  i cheered all four years of college.

so, as you can see i've spent the majority of my life being active.

since graduation, however, i haven't done anything.  i thought, at first, that i would be fine, i could stay healthy if i worked out occasionally, but the truth of the matter is, that's not possible.  i need, my body needs, an activity, something that i can do every week, a couple of times a week, where i can interact with others and push my body to its limits.  alone, i have no motivation.

and now, i am the heaviest i have ever been.  and i cry every morning, getting dressed for work, to go out with my honey, to go to the mall.  i can't even look at myself in the mirror until i am fully clothed.  it's depressing.

when i was younger, and people would make comments about my weight, i would become incredibly self-conscious.  i knew even then, that skinny was in and chunky was not.  but the thing was, even though i could see i was chunky, it was all baby fat.  i didn't know that then and so i spent most of middle school skipping lunch, and i actually got pretty thin, but i wasn't getting the nutrients i needed and i'll never, ever do that again.  partially because i have a love-affair with food, but mostly because i know i need to get those nutrients.

the thing is, everyone in my family has been overweight.  but now, everyone seems to be obsessed with losing weight.  i'm proud of my parents for how much weight they've lost, and how healthy they seem, but i'm sad to say that i'm jealous, and that it depresses me even more.  my mom is two sizes smaller than i am.  and this is a scary thing to admit, but it makes me sick to my stomach.

so, my goal is to get healthy.  i don't want to be skinny, i'm a girl with curves and i love that. but i do want to be able to run 3 miles, no problem (asthma and all).  i want to be able to race ernest and give him a run for his money.  i want to be able to walk up all 6 flights of stairs to my office, without breaking a sweat or getting winded.  and maybe, just maybe, drop down to what i weighed going into college.  but i'm not going to make myself sick over it.

fingers crossed.

sorry if this post is all over the place, i just kind of needed to get it all out for myself.

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