conundrum.

co-nun-drum.  defined by google as:

a confusing and difficult problem or question.

a question asked for amusement, typically one with a pun in its answer; a riddle.

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i know i'm not the only person in the world who gets words stuck in their mind.  i mean, literally, i walk around with dozens of song lyrics and phrases piling up, in my head, tossing and turning, so much so that i must say (or sing) them out loud (or share on social media).

lately, the word conundrum has been rolling around in my mind since it came up in (text) conversation a few days ago.

"quite." i responded as i read the word used to describe a current state of affairs.  funny how we have words for these feelings, these emotions, and yet they never truly do the experience justice.  it's so much more than a conundrum.  but that is the best way to put it.

i wish i knew the answer, but i only hold part of the riddle.

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i've been wanting to talk more about my experience as a woman, born and raised in central texas, educated in upstate new york, a world traveller (i appreciate the double 'l' so much more than the americanized single 'l' there), choosing to plant roots in my hometown, in spite of this state's sometimes malevolent backwardness.  am i not a conundrum myself?  content with my independence, my ability to take care of myself, to enjoy my "me-time", to keep up with the boys, and yet, desirous of a partner who will take care of me emotionally, offer me the opportunity to slow down and settle a bit, and make me feel womanly?  

a worldly woman, yet i don't think i could call any place besides central texas, "home" (new orleans is as close as i could hope to get).  this is where i want to fall in love.  this is where i want to build a house, and raise babies and animals.  this is where my roots already lie.  after seven years away from my family and home, i don't want to be far away from them for more than a vacation's period of time again.  so i struggle with my sense of adventure, and my loyalty to my hometown.

perhaps there is an answer out there, for people like me.  people who are constantly toeing the line between living like the expatriates or jack kerouac, and settling down.  the more i read books like the rules do not apply by ariel levy (currently reading), the more i realize that i am not alone in this feeling, in this desire to have the best of both worlds.