Saturday, November 8, 2014

demons.


there are mornings i wake up with so much hatred in my heart, the demons in my mind coming from the darkest moments i never should've been in, and i lay the blame at his feet, because i don't know where else to look.

sometimes i want to tell him how much i hate him.  but i won't.  i won't give him the satisfaction of a phone call, or a text, or an email.  i won't be the one who reaches across the divide so he can hear my voice one last time as i tell him what a fucking prick he was.  how every time i see devils in the dark, i think about what he did to me.  it doesn't really give me closure, but it protects me from ever having to interact with him again.

it's not really him that i hate, after all.  it's the baggage.  it's wanting to trust, but having momentary lapses where my darkest fears seem more like reality than a bad dream.  it's not believing that everything can be so perfect, so happy.  doubting that anyone could ever really love you, because aren't you unlovable?  wasn't that the problem in the first place?  too moody, too clingy, too jealous, too dumb, too insecure.  words haunting you.  words you will always hate.  words whispering in your ear that whatever good you have now is too good to be true.

i try and i try and i try to stop those wheels from turning.  i deserve happiness, success, love.  i'm in love.  i'm healthy.  i'm happy.  why can't i stop the uncertainty?  why won't it just slip away, like the feelings i once had for him did?  why is it rooted there, like an oak tree, bound to weather any storm?  i don't understand and i can't control it and therefore i hate it.  i hate it.

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