Thursday, May 8, 2014

the truth.

there was a point last fall where i had to take the situation unfolding in front of me and find a long-term way to cope and deal with it.  my sister went through something ugly and terrible, and i never wanted to see anyone i loved like that again.

and then it hit me.

don't i also love myself?  don't i also deserve better?  shouldn't i set a better example for my sister, knowing that she would soon be going through the same grief stages i experienced/was still experiencing?

and so i walked away.  i told him i was cutting him out of my life, and just like that, cold-turkey, he was gone.  or rather, the old me was gone.

letting go of my comfort zone was probably one of the hardest things i have ever done.  but it was also the best thing i have done for myself since i left san antonio for college almost 10 years ago.  i mentioned before how i struggled with the thought of being alone for the rest of my life.

but then i also struggled with the idea of letting someone get close enough to me to really know me.  how scary a thought that is.  we give the people we care about leverage against us, the tools to find what makes us tick.  over time they learn how they can truly break us, and we must trust them to never do so.  how many times have i mentioned how hard it is to trust other people?

also, i struggled with finding my path to happiness.  with my ex there was a certain amount of safety.  his job would take care of us, and my job would enable us to do things we wanted to do and have things we wanted to have but didn't necessarily need.  once i was on my own i realized that i was just going through the motions.  i was working towards things that were never going to make me independent.  and who am i if not the independent woman my parents raised?

all these things kept me from being myself when i was with my ex.  once i let go of that hold we had on each other and began focusing on myself, i started to see the things that truly make me happy, and that define the person that i am.  i've talked about those things before.

i'm not afraid anymore.  i am who i am, and i won't apologize for it.  thankfully i have so many people in my life who stand beside me and encourage me, including the new guy in my life.  this journey has been so eye-opening, and i'm glad to have to taken it.  i'm grateful for it.  it's made me a stronger person, and a better sister/daughter/friend/girfriend (ah the 'g'-word!).

so know that there are good things going on in my life right now, and while i won't start talking about them until they're a little more settled, i am so incredibly excited.  more adventures, y'all.  that's what life's all about.

No comments: