we're a little bit ridiculous sometimes.
and in the interest of protecting him and i and who/whatever else, this is all you get to see of him - for now.
so i met someone.
can i tell you that dating is scary after a divorce? that you find yourself trying to talk yourself down from ledges all the time? that you keep wondering if you're even ready to give over that part of you that has already been broken, mutilated, changed?
at some point your anxieties start to subside, and you tell yourself to just have fun. stop overthinking, waiting for someone to walk into your life, only to walk out again. stop waiting period. go out, have a good time, dance with your girls, wear clothes that make you feel strong and sexy. don't try too hard.
and when it finally does happen, you wonder what that person sees in you. they tell you, you're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny. after a while you start to believe it. it feels good when you put on a pretty dress and they can't keep their hands off of you; touching the small of your back, your neck, any place they can find, and pulling you in for kisses every so often.
you wonder what it's like to be touched by someone else. the first time they kiss you, you feel surprised, and butterflies, and fear. you find yourself wanting to learn more, to know more about them, but not wanting to tell them anything of yourself. you want to know what makes them tick, what their vulnerabilities are, before you can give them the key to yours.
when i met my current bf, i wasn't expecting to meet anyone. i had been striking out in the dating world, and decided to just enjoy my nights out with my girls, and have fun flirting when the opportunity arised. one of my friends introduced us, and then spent the rest of that night trying to introduce me to other guys in the bar. my bf asked what i was looking for in a guy, we started talking, and it went from there. i've learned to trust him, and myself, and he's encouraged me to be exactly who i am, and go for what i want, no matter the obstacles in my way.
i don't know where this is going, i don't know where we'll end up, but i'm happy for where it's at now. he makes me laugh, he constantly tells me i'm beautiful, sexy, smart, a comfort to him, and that he has faith in me. he works hard, and i appreciate that kind of dedication in a man. it's not perfect and it isn't always easy, but for what it is, i'm excited. and all that matters is that when he puts his arms around me, late at night when all the world is still and quiet outside his door, it feels right.