Wednesday, May 7, 2014
it's true that getting divorced can make you feel like a failure. you often wonder where you went wrong, what you could've changed, so that the one thing you put all your heart and faith into didn't rip apart at the seams and leave you feeling shattered and empty.
but, as it is with any relationship, it takes two people to make a marriage work. i could've patched the holes in our relationship, but the patches would've frayed and strained regardless. he didn't want to put in the work, and i could only carry so much of the weight.
when i truly care about someone, i give that person 100% of myself. i don't hold back, i wear my heart on my sleeve, i'm dedicated and try my best to give that person the support and love that they need. that's just who i am. a lover, not a fighter.
for a long while after the ex and i separated, i wondered if i would ever be able to feel love for another person again. i wondered what it would be like to physically and emotionally be with someone new. i wondered if anyone would want to put up with my flaws, and my tendency to be reserved and quiet. i've read that sometimes people take introversion for rudeness. it can be intimidating. how was i going to meet someone, knowing how hard it is for me to interact in social situations?
the road to where i am now hasn't been the smoothest. there have been a lot of u-turns, and detours, and misread directions, but eventually i got to a frame of mind where i could let go of my need to not be alone, and i learned to just have a good time and enjoy the company of old and new friends. loneliness is hard, yes, but there is something about being alone and not having to depend on anyone else, or have anyone else depending on you, that is incredibly liberating. and suddenly you feel more like yourself than you ever have.
and that's when i finally met someone.