Tuesday, April 29, 2014

the truth.

i sometimes think my greatest fear is being made a fool of.  it happened once, not too long ago and i hated the way it felt.  i'm a smart person, how could i be made to feel like a fool?

how could i not see the signs?  how could i possibly believe a boy i knew lied, cheated, and stole from everyone else?  i could sense that i stopped being important to him, and yet i stuck around anyway.  he had her right under my nose, and i never questioned him. 

i never want to feel that way again.  to put all my trust in a person, only to have it shattered and shredded.  to feel gutted and broken.  to be alone; to be so very, very alone.  and to feel blind, and stupid?  no person wants to experience that.  no person should ever have to experience that.

i know this is why i put up my walls.  i know that i let the fear consume me at times.  i push against being too open, against letting down my guard, against being too close to people.  that old pain still lingers, and it has left scars on my ability to be brave enough to fall.

i know at some point i have to put my trust in people again.  and i'm trying.  it's a daily struggle i've talked about before.  i hate to be disappointed by people.  i hate when people say they're going to do something and they don't.  it always brings me back to that feeling of looking foolish.  i do my best to keep my word, and i only ask for the same respect.

you could say that has been a year in learning to overcome fear.  it started with overcoming the fear of being alone when i signed my divorce papers, and continued with attempting to grow out of my comfort zone.  but there are some fears we struggle with continuously.  the struggle is a learning process, and it takes time to overcome, but i believe in the end the outcome is a stronger, healthier person.

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