no one really ever talks about the process of falling OUT of love.
i guess maybe it's to painful? or maybe because you can't really pick out the moment that it began? maybe it was a series of seemingly innocent nothings, that led to a really big something.
i don't exactly remember the moment that initiated the end of our story. i just know it was a slow-moving train wreck waiting to happen. i remember certain moments that i really started thinking it was time for me to walk away, though i never quite could. signs that we were truly incompatible, that i sugarcoated with good memories.
there was the time that kelly and danielle came to visit, and he was such a jerk, i really felt uncomfortable in my own home. that wasn't the only time i felt that way in our apartment. there was the time his family came to visit, and i (introvert that i am) didn't have a safe place to retreat to. or when he would invite his friends over, and i felt more like an ornament taking up space, than an actual person who lived there too.
there was the time that all i wanted was to go to the zoo. i had mentioned it a million times, told him that the new orleans zoo was supposed to be pretty amazing, reminded him how much i love animals, planned trips that continually got cancelled. finally, finally, one day i managed to talk him into it, and he complained for a good hour that i made him do something on his day off. i finally got fed up and told him to turn the car around, because i didn't want to go. he ruined it. he must've felt bad, because he took me to sucre instead. bought me a glass of white wine sangria and an eclair. i tried to feel better about it, but deep down i harbored resentment towards him for being so unwilling to do things that i wanted to do.
and then there were all the times that he called me the name of the one person in his family that he resented. resented her for wanting more. i never understood that. what's wrong with wanting more? he always told me i wanted too much. a home, to travel, love, a family. what was too much?
what about the time that we were moving into our last apartment, and made plans to pack up my stuff from my parents house, and he was a NO SHOW. didn't answer his phone because he was passed out cold from staying up too late drinking and drugging. i should've walked away then. i should have left my stuff at my parents house. shouldn't have forgiven him so easily. there were a million times i shouldn't have forgiven him so easily.
gosh, the should-haves and could-haves will kill you.
the truth is, i was so blinded by who i wanted him to be, that i didn't see who he really was. and i have no idea when he stopped being the person i fell in love with, and started being this person i don't recognize anymore. i wish i could pinpoint the moment it started unraveling, so i could share it with the world, and maybe keep others from the pain i felt when i realized it was really and truly over.