Thursday, March 27, 2014

the truth.

i'll be the first to admit that i felt broken in the aftermath of our split.  you don't experience the kind of betrayal that i did, and not doubt yourself.  and, yes, i have definitely felt broken in the past year and a half.  i've been through a lot, things that i don't even want to talk about, and that i'll probably carry with me for the rest of my life.

it's easy to look to others for comfort.  i've been guilty of it.  in the immediate aftermath i dated a guy who wanted to make me his whole world.  after being ignored for so long it was nice to have someone whose life revolved around me.  but that fizzled out quick.  i realized i didn't want to be a possession.  i didn't want someone who wanted to smother me, believing they could make me happier by inserting themselves into every aspect of my life.  what that guy failed to realize was that i've been a free spirit my entire life.  i've needed to work through my problems in my own way, struggling as i go.  i have never wanted anything easy, and i have never wanted someone to work through my challenges for me.

what i want in my life from a man is stability.  i want a man who will go out of his way to make me feel comfortable in the situations he knows i struggle through.  i want a man who will encourage me to continue my education, go for the jobs that maybe don't pay well, but will leave me fulfilled, travel the world with me because he can't imagine either of us experiencing it without the other.  i want a man who will stand beside me, in all situations.  i want a man who encourages me to be my own person - to pursue interests outside of our shared life.  i want a man who can be open-minded about my beliefs and dreams and aspirations.

there are so many other things that are important to me in a relationship, but the foundation has to rest on a man who can let me be myself.  i've learned that depending on another person can bite you in the ass when it all falls apart, and i never want to experience that again.  i'm not saying i'll never depend on the next man i love.  i'm only saying that i want to be sure that i can take care of myself before i let anyone else take care of me.  independence, y'all.

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