Tuesday, March 4, 2014
every day i witness this person emerging from that dark and lonely place, slowly putting together the shattered pieces, and embracing who she is. i never believed that it would happen over night, but i am a little surprised at what a long and tedious process it has been.
i learn a little more about myself every day. i'm a feeling person, and it's something that scares me. i sometimes try to stifle that, but then i'm not being true to myself. truth is, i'm incredibly sensitive to emotion. it makes me a little uncomfortable at times, but i think it also draws people to me and makes me a better friend. is that a bad thing?
i would rather feel deeply, than feel nothing at all. i'll take an entire night's worth of butterflies and word-vomiting over playing it cool. i'd rather put myself out there, than think of the 'what-ifs' and 'should-haves'. don't get me wrong, i still put up walls, but they're retractable.
the ex used to tell me that i was 'too much' of these things. too feeling, too demanding, too sensitive, too needy, too snobby, too shy. and at some point i came to believe it. i stopped loving myself; the little quirks that make me, me. like my ability to empathize with strangers. or the fact that i will drop everything i am doing if someone i love needs me to, no questions asked. or that i work hard because i want a better life for my one-day, some day family. and that i love so deeply, so completely, because i believe in happily ever after (not the fairy tale kind, but something of that nature).
i don't like the person i was the last 3 years of our marriage. that person is damn near unrecognizable to me. no wonder i started hating my reflection. no wonder i stopped trusting myself. so i'm going to keep working towards loving the person that i am; the one i've always been, and the one i've become because of my (good and bad) experiences. because if i'm ever going to find true love, i have to find it with myself first.