Tuesday, March 4, 2014

the truth.

every day i witness this person emerging from that dark and lonely place, slowly putting together the shattered pieces, and embracing who she is.  i never believed that it would happen over night, but i am a little surprised at what a long and tedious process it has been. 

i learn a little more about myself every day.  i'm a feeling person, and it's something that scares me.  i sometimes try to stifle that, but then i'm not being true to myself.  truth is, i'm incredibly sensitive to emotion.  it makes me a little uncomfortable at times, but i think it also draws people to me and makes me a better friend.  is that a bad thing?

i would rather feel deeply, than feel nothing at all.  i'll take an entire night's worth of butterflies and word-vomiting over playing it cool.  i'd rather put myself out there, than think of the 'what-ifs' and 'should-haves'.  don't get me wrong, i still put up walls, but they're retractable.

the ex used to tell me that i was 'too much' of these things.  too feeling, too demanding, too sensitive, too needy, too snobby, too shy.  and at some point i came to believe it.  i stopped loving myself; the little quirks that make me, me.  like my ability to empathize with strangers.  or the fact that i will drop everything i am doing if someone i love needs me to, no questions asked.  or that i work hard because i want a better life for my one-day, some day family.  and that i love so deeply, so completely, because i believe in happily ever after (not the fairy tale kind, but something of that nature).

i don't like the person i was the last 3 years of our marriage.  that person is damn near unrecognizable to me.  no wonder i started hating my reflection.  no wonder i stopped trusting myself.  so i'm going to keep working towards loving the person that i am; the one i've always been, and the one i've become because of my (good and bad) experiences.  because if i'm ever going to find true love, i have to find it with myself first.

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