trust.

trust.

defined by the merriam-webster dictionary as the belief that someone or something is good, reliable, honest, etc., trust is something that is necessary for any kind of relationship to be successful.

lately, it's something i've been struggling with.  the reasons why are obvious.  i put my trust in someone who clearly didn't deserve it.  and they didn't just take advantage of that, they demolished it.  they crushed the very foundation that trust was built upon, and broke it into tiny little pieces, too small to really put back together.

the problem with that is, i want to fall for someone.  i want to believe i'll meet my soul mate one day.  but i'm having a hard time letting people in.  the pain of losing everything i believed in doesn't feel fresh anymore, yet i'm still dealing with the fallout.

i don't just struggle with trusting men, though.  it's everyone.  of course there are those who i trust with my life, but outside of that small group of people i just put up a huge barrier between me and anyone else.  i look at everyone sideways.  i can't help myself.

there's a part of me that wonders if it's because i don't trust myself.  i pulled the shade over my own eyes a time or two, obviously.  hell, i was even dishonest to people i love.  that's not ok - how could i be that kind of person?

so you can see why i might be overly cautious, or worrisome.  why doubt creeps in at every open opportunity.  it's not easy to open up to another person, and especially not when you've been burned before.  multiple times.  i wish i could take every bad experience i've ever had, and put them out of my mind, but that's not the way our brains work.

does this mean that i can't form a meaningful relationship, or friendship?  i don't know.  i'm working on being more trustful and honest and a little more courageous.  i'm not going to stop putting myself out there because i'm afraid to get hurt.  of course, i will still have moments of freaking out, where i call one or more of my bffs and get talked off a ledge.  but i'll also be meeting new people, making friends, having new experiences.  and maybe i'll meet a great guy who will help me learn to trust again.  or maybe i've already met him.