you are not the one.
you gave up that spot when you betrayed our marriage vows.
you can tell me, over and over, how much you need me and want me. you're just wasting your breath.
you can go on and on about how you are nothing without me. it's nothing that i didn't already know.
the funny thing is that that is how i felt before. before you betrayed us, before you left me picking up the shattered pieces of my heart. i knew i needed you. i wanted you. i didn't want to be anything without you. but you took that for granted, and you told me you didn't know what you wanted, and you watched me fall to pieces.
you didn't want me or need me or love me when it mattered. you didn't appreciate me, and all the things i did and gave up for our marriage. i became a completely different person because of the way that you treated me. and now i see how little i got in return for all that i gave. i deserve more. and i deserved it at the exact same moments that i was giving everything i had to you.
i don't want retroactive love, and respect. i don't want to hear about how you didn't realize. i told you, over and over again, how you treated me, how you made me feel so small. you promised changes that never came. you made me feel like one of your hobbies that you had gotten tired of. i felt less significant than your coin collection, your so-called "friends", your alcohol and drugs. i was nothing to you. and you can never make up for that.
i'm sure you see i'm stronger now. i'm sure you feel like i'm leaving you behind, like i don't care about you. well, that's half true. see i can't help myself, but to care about and love you. but i care about and love myself more, and so i will be leaving you behind. i want a man who deserves me. and i would rather spend the rest of my life miserably alone, than miserably with a boy who didn't take care of my heart when he held it in the palm of his hands for so long.
so goodbye, squish. i wish you well. i hope you get help. i hope you end up healthy and happy. i hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.