Tuesday, August 6, 2013

in this big, old world...

you still dream of the family.  the two (or three or four) kids, the husband.  the two (or three or four) dogs.  the land that your children (and you) run wild and free on.  the house you put so much time and energy into designing and building, a forever home, something to pass on to your kids and grandkids.

you still dream of nights by the pool.  sunday dinners in the backyard.  dropping everything and taking a road trip to the beach.  or to new mexico.  or to anywhere but here.  long runs together.  introducing him to your best friends and family.  exploring your alma mater.  painting bedrooms.  even the tiniest, mundane details.  you dream of them.  all of them.

there are days and nights that are still so lonely, despite your busy schedule and happiness.  you can feel the holidays coming closer, and you know that those will be hard, lonely days.  you know there's a man out there who will love you, all of you, imperfections and all, but have no desire to look for him.  when friends and family say they have someone you should meet, you beg off, knowing that your lack of trust would never let anything get too far, and why even risk the chance?

everyone says things will get better.  you keep telling yourself that, trying to trick yourself into believing it's true.  you ARE happier, but alone.  alone, alone.  and while you are learning to love yourself, you know that you still have so much love to put out into the world, to give to a man who makes your heart flutter, has an adventurous heart, like yours, and similar dreams of a simple life.

where could he be?

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