...

you can't possibly understand my pain.

the depths of it.  how it guts me.  you'll never know because you weren't a part of it.

there is nothing left over but hurt and hate and that desperate, alone feeling that i wish would just disappear.  nothing.

in the end, there is only myself.  loneliness.  there is no joy at the end of the tunnel, only a deep, deep hurt.  i have nothing to show for the love i once held so dearly in my heart.  i am empty.  and may be so forever.

so please, give me the one thing sacred i have left.  the ability to talk or not talk about it at my will.  i don't want to hear his name, to have him even spoken about.  only i can do that.  it guts me when anyone else brings him, or the situation, up.

and it's not something i want to share.