Wednesday, July 31, 2013

après - one year.

it's been three months since my divorce was finalized.  it's been a year since we separated the first time.  sometimes i can still feel as angry as i was the day i figured it all out, and i still cry as hard as i did when i realized i was losing everything.  they say that there are seven stages of grief.  well, i am slowly, and surely, getting through all of them.  but i am better every day, and i am happier every day.

it's taken me a long time to get to this point.  between then and now i did a lot of things that i really feel had to happen in order to get here.  i had to decide on my own that this is what i wanted.  i had to experience the loss, and the pain, to become a stronger, happier person.  i had to "hit rock bottom" so to speak, so that i could fully appreciate the progress that i've been making.

do i have regrets?  sure.  but my life is what it is, and i'm happy to be moving forward in a positive way.  i'm so close to graduating with my degree in criminal justice, i just got a great job that i think is a perfect fit for me, and i get to spend a great amount of time coaching with my bff.  i'm starting to make plans for my future, and putting myself first.  

recently, i finally have come to terms with being single.  and i'm enjoying it.  i do so many things, that are just for me, and i don't want to have to worry about considering another person right now.  between work, school, and coaching cheer, i have enough to keep me busy, that i really don't have the time for a relationship.  and i don't feel ready to have one at all.  does this mean that i'm giving up on finding love and having a family?  no.  i just want to take my time and let love happen naturally.

i've come to realize that my grief won't last forever.  i still think of him every day, but i feel that my need for him is diminishing.  i know that my love for him will never truly fade, that he'll always have a special place in my heart, but i also know that one day i will be able to move on completely.

life does go on.  it takes you by surprise and you learn and you grow, even when you think you've already stopped learning and growing.  i'm lucky to be able to lean on my family and friends.  i'm lucky to have had the experiences i've had.  and i'll never look back on my six years of marriage and think that it was all a waste, because it brought me to this place i'm at now.

happy and healthy.

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