Wednesday, May 29, 2013

safety blanket.

i start to feel safe, and then the memories flood back in and i realize there's still a long ways to go before i'm ever really, truly safe.

sometimes things get really hard.  and i want to turn to him so bad.  sometimes he's the first person i want to call, or text.  i just want to reach out and touch him.  not because i want him back, but because he's my comfort food.  he's my safety blanket.

tell me, how do you make that stop?  when you are so comfortable with a person that they are the only one who can make you feel 100% again?  when they are the only one who knows you, the real you, the you that leaves socks everywhere, and cries big, hot tears for no apparent reason, and farts sometimes?  you know that person will make you feel better.  it's like reaching for hot tea when your throat hurts.  you know it's going to burn, but it will be so worth it.

sometimes i'm trying to move on and something will trigger a memory, like the kitchen table (more on that later).  and then that memory will trigger another memory, and then another, and then all of a sudden you're reliving that whole year in the philly suburbs.  the year you've named "the good year".  which then leads to memories of "the bad years", because that's just the natural progression of your mind and all of a sudden you're mad again and crying those big, hot tears.

and then it's the weddings.  the weddings you have to go alone to.  not alone, alone, because your friends are there, but they will have husbands, boyfriends, fiances to dance with or call afterwards, and you'll be texting your bff from home and probably your mom, too, because you are lonely.  so lonely.  and all you want is two arms to wrap around you and tell you it will be ok, and you'll start thinking of that safety blanket again.

i am trying to move on.  i'm putting myself out there, in so many ways.  i just want it to be easy.  some days it is.  and some days i sit here, eating my fave snack (popcorn and dark chocolate covered raisins) and i'm crying those big, hot tears, and i'm wondering why i'm even trying.

i guess that's the process right?  i have to keep trying.  and one day i won't need that safety blanket anymore.

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