Tuesday, May 7, 2013

new beginnings.

today marks the start of a new chapter in my life.

it's a scary feeling, knowing that you can't go back and change your actions.  the "what-ifs" start to cloud your rationale and you second-guess yourself until you're not even sure if you're still second-guessing, or maybe you've moved on to third, fourth and fifth-guessing.

it's done now.  i can't take it back.  and maybe sometimes i still sit here and think, was that the right thing to do?  but mostly i don't think about it at all and that makes me believe that it WAS the right thing to do.

that's not to say that i don't still have memories.  because i do.  good and bad.  but the memories, and the reality of the situation have no effect on each other, and so i did what i believe to be best for me.

but still, i am scared.  and i am sad.  and i wish that things didn't end up the way that they did.  i wish that i wasn't thinking about a future i never imagined.  i wish that i didn't have to lie here in this bed alone, thinking about the "what-ifs".  i'm never going to get those, at least not the way i originally imagined them.  but at some point, things will change, right?  i'll find a new path, and i'll want new things, and i'll have a completely different future.

i had a dream this weekend, that threw me off a little bit.  i wasn't quite sure what it meant.  a sinking ship?  what does that mean?  maybe it means that it was never going to work.  maybe it means something completely irrelevant.  maybe it was just a nightmare.  i'm leaning towards it meaning that until this new chapter was begun, i wasn't going to get anywhere.  today, i'm already moving forward. 

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