i broke my own heart recently. i didn't want to, but i knew it was the right thing to do. there comes a point in your life where you have to make the hard decisions, and for me, this was it. i know there are a lot of questions left unanswered. i know that i may spend the rest of my life wondering if it was the right thing to do. of course that weighs heavy on my heart and mind.
i spent so long trying to be someone else's support system. it got to the point where i gave up on myself and gave everything i had solely to that person. it changed me. it made me a person that none of us was very fond of. and i don't ever want to go back to that.
i would never take back any moment i spent with that person, though. i still love him, very, very much. but the truth of the matter is that i don't think he and i were headed in the same direction. it's hard to fix a broken person. it's hard to tough it out. maybe i'm not as strong as every says i am, because i really couldn't do it anymore.
there were so many times i felt alone. so many times that i wondered if i could continue to live life the way that we were, and if i could continue to hurt the way that i was. doubt is never a good thing in a relationship. i had been having doubt for over a year. long before the fallout that happened last summer. to have it carry on, even after i had forgiven him, was as surprising to me as i'm sure it was to him.
i wish it didn't have to be this way. i really do. i wish we could do it all over, from the beginning. but that's not the way life goes. it does go on, though. and hopefully, so will i.
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