Thursday, April 18, 2013

forever and always.

i broke my own heart recently.  i didn't want to, but i knew it was the right thing to do.  there comes a point in your life where you have to make the hard decisions, and for me, this was it.  i know there are a lot of questions left unanswered.  i know that i may spend the rest of my life wondering if it was the right thing to do.  of course that weighs heavy on my heart and mind.

i spent so long trying to be someone else's support system.  it got to the point where i gave up on myself and gave everything i had solely to that person.  it changed me.  it made me a person that none of us was very fond of.  and i don't ever want to go back to that.

i would never take back any moment i spent with that person, though.  i still love him, very, very much.  but the truth of the matter is that i don't think he and i were headed in the same direction.  it's hard to fix a broken person.  it's hard to tough it out.  maybe i'm not as strong as every says i am, because i really couldn't do it anymore.

there were so many times i felt alone.  so many times that i wondered if i could continue to live life the way that we were, and if i could continue to hurt the way that i was.  doubt is never a good thing in a relationship.  i had been having doubt for over a year.  long before the fallout that happened last summer.  to have it carry on, even after i had forgiven him, was as surprising to me as i'm sure it was to him.

i wish it didn't have to be this way.  i really do.  i wish we could do it all over, from the beginning.  but that's not the way life goes.  it does go on, though.  and hopefully, so will i.

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