Tuesday, October 16, 2012

moving on.

i've been suppressing the broken feelings for far too long i think.  i was doing a really good job of not grieving the end of our relationship, but i feel like i've finally hit a wall and now all the pent up anger and sadness is coming to a head.  the little memories, when someone brings him up, all the doubt from the people i care about that i've not gotten over him, those things hurt me.  all i can think is that i want to be through this already.  let's move on to a new season, huh?  can it be over and done with and official finally?

the worst part of all this is that i still miss him sometimes when things come up that remind me.  it's not that i want to be back with him, but that i remember how we felt in those moments.  those happy times, when the underlying issues between us weren't as noticeable.  like singing along to that eli young song we both liked.  i don't think i've listened to it more than 3 times since we split.  i've watched one episode of supernatural because it's a reminder that that was one of the only things he would do with me towards the end.  some things are still too hard to deal with. 

then i think of the times that he disappointed me and i get so upset, not only with him, but also myself.  i remember the time my car wouldn't start outside of fredericksburg when danielle came to visit and i wanted to take her to one of the vineyards, and he was too wasted to come and help us.  or niosa, when we had plans to hang out with my sisters, and he moped and moped and then finally decided to ditch me to hang out with his friends.  he wasn't thinking of me then.

i'm frustrated that ernest wants to reconcile.  how can he possibly think that i could just overlook the way he treated me?  how i used to have to beg him to hug me or hold my hand or show any sign of affection?  not to mention the fact that i have no idea what really happened between him and that girl.  it's just absolutely ludicrous to think that we could get past that.  i never could.  i could never not be hurt, or disappointed, or distrustful, or just so mad, mad, mad.

at the same time, i'm so sad for him.  i'm sad that it came to this.  i'm sad that we can't even be friends.  i know he misses me and i know he's lonely and scared and maybe even a little lost.  that hurts me, just like it did when we were together.  but the difference is that now i really can't do anything to help him.  and i'm really, truly worried for him, knowing him the way that i only i do.

i've accepted the fact that it's over.  there's no turning back from that and i don't want to.  i'm happily moving on with my life and enjoying the changes that have occurred since we split.  even so, i think it's going to be a while before i can stop thinking about him every time i drive to my granny's house, or when i remember the day we picked out and bought my watch.

but is that such a bad thing?  isn't that how we learn?  we begin to appreciate the things that are special and beautiful in our lives because of the various griefs we might have to suffer through.  i know i have learned a multitude of things from this trying time in my life.  and if nothing else, i'll become a better person for it.

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