Monday, October 8, 2012


i know the official first day of fall was a while ago, but it's only recently started to feel like it here in san antonio.  the mornings are so beautiful, the days are cooler, and i find myself reaching for the more rich colors of fall both in my wardrobe and nail polish.

it's this time of year that i really miss new york and the rest of the northeast.  fall is such a beautiful season, and i miss the leaves changing colors (oh, those bright reds, oranges and yellows!) and the crispness in the air.  i miss maize mazes and pumpkin patches in small towns down back roads.  the scent of fireplaces blazing and apple cider.  those memories stick with me, especially this time of year.  i can't wait to take a fall trip to the northeast with my family and ben.  maybe next year?

but this change from summer to fall doesn't just signify the cooler weather or falling leaves.  it's the end of a year that could honestly be called my worst ever.  i thought moving back home would be better.  i thought that my marriage was something that could weather any storm and i thought ernest loved me enough to do anything for me.  i was wrong and young and naive and it's taken me a year to realize that.

but i'm changing, every single day i become more of the person that i want to be.  i'm still making mistakes, but they are coming fewer and farther in between.  i'm learning to be more honest, with others and myself.  i'm putting my wants and needs first for once and not worrying about what everyone else thinks.  i'm finally starting to feel like an adult, which you all know was something i struggled with over the past year and a half.

in this year i've learned that sometimes you have to fall flat on your face before you can see with any clarity, that forever sometimes only lasts 6 years, that the universe is a mystery i'll never understand, that i really love pumpkin spice cupcakes and salted caramel hot chocolate (thank goodness we've finally gotten to that time of year), and that utterly mind-blowing happiness is worth all the scary, not-so-fun things that might be keeping you from reaching that point.  every.  single.  time.

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