i've spent the last four or so years (not so much when we weren't living together and i was still in school, but after) trying to both be myself and the person that he wanted. i don't think there was ever a time that i succeeded in that. it was a constant struggle. we were different from the beginning, but for some reason it worked. until it didn't anymore.
at some point i began to try to just be the person he wanted. it was still an internal fight, because i wanted to go places and do things, and he didn't. he was always too tired, it was too hot; he couldn't be depended on to keep plans and promises. but the person i thought he wanted, wasn't the person he fell in love with. that girl was adventurous and social and her own woman.
i don't know when it happened, but i know that i could feel it once it was already too late. i became someone else. i lost who i am and now i don't know if i can remember. my dreams and hopes for the future have been taken from me. and now i'm left with this empty shell, trying to navigate a completely different life.
each day is a struggle. each day i wake up wondering whether i'll miss him more than i hate him, or vice versa. but, although my heart may be broken, i cannot be. my support system is too strong, and i have sisters and younger cousins looking to me as an example of the kind of woman they should be.
so, i will hold my head high. i will get dressed and go to school and work and my volunteer job as a cheer coach. i'll maintain my dignity as best i can. and i will dream (and realize) new dreams, and build new hopes. i may not remember who i am, but i will learn more about myself every day. i won't let what he did to me make me a bitter person, and i will not give him the satisfaction of keeping me from being the best person i can be.
i am what matters.
right now, in this moment when i could be an absolute mess, i have to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, i belong to me, and me alone.
and i always will.
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