Friday, August 10, 2012

the truth.

i've spent the last four or so years (not so much when we weren't living together and i was still in school, but after) trying to both be myself and the person that he wanted.  i don't think there was ever a time that i succeeded in that.  it was a constant struggle.  we were different from the beginning, but for some reason it worked.  until it didn't anymore. 

at some point i began to try to just be the person he wanted.  it was still an internal fight, because i wanted to go places and do things, and he didn't.  he was always too tired, it was too hot; he couldn't be depended on to keep plans and promises.  but the person i thought he wanted, wasn't the person he fell in love with.  that girl was adventurous and social and her own woman.

i don't know when it happened, but i know that i could feel it once it was already too late.  i became someone else.  i lost who i am and now i don't know if i can remember.  my dreams and hopes for the future have been taken from me.  and now i'm left with this empty shell, trying to navigate a completely different life.

each day is a struggle.  each day i wake up wondering whether i'll miss him more than i hate him, or vice versa.  but, although my heart may be broken, i cannot be.  my support system is too strong, and i have sisters and younger cousins looking to me as an example of the kind of woman they should be. 

so, i will hold my head high.  i will get dressed and go to school and work and my volunteer job as a cheer coach.  i'll maintain my dignity as best i can.  and i will dream (and realize) new dreams, and build new hopes.  i may not remember who i am, but i will learn more about myself every day.  i won't let what he did to me make me a bitter person, and i will not give him the satisfaction of keeping me from being the best person i can be.

i am what matters.

right now, in this moment when i could be an absolute mess, i have to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, i belong to me, and me alone. 

and i always will.

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