Tuesday, August 28, 2012

the longest goodbye.

i could sit here and tell you that every day i get a little better.  that would be the easy thing to say.  i could tell you that there are no moments where a place or object or song/movie/book ignites a memory that stings to my core.  that wouldn't be the truth, though.

i do honestly believe that i am better off now.  there isn't a part of me that wants to go back to that dark place we were in before all hell broke loose.  but that doesn't mean that i won't always love ernest.  before you start lecturing me, realize that i didn't say i'm in love with him.  i can't be.  i won't ever be again.  that part of my heart is irretrievably broken and not fixable.

there will always be moments, though.  when i'm watching a show we loved to watch together, or when i take a trip to nola or philly or rochester or anywhere.  i'll suck in my breath and remember, and wonder "what if"?  what if he hadn't gotten depressed?  what if we hadn't moved back home?  what if the drugs and the partying had never been a factor?  what if i had been everything he wanted??

i know it was him who failed me, and not the other way around.  i know i gave him everything i had and then some.  i'm not going to say that i don't wish he had done the same.  i know now what i'm worth, and what i deserve, and i wish he could've given that to me.  i'll never forgive him for not believing in us.  i'll never forgive him for the way he treated me the last year and a half of our relationship.  and i'll certainly never forgive him for bringing another girl into the equation.

the thing is that i don't hate ernest.  maybe i did before, but lately i have been so happy and light and free that i haven't been able to hate him.  that's the saddest part.  i know this isn't what he wanted.  i've always known that we wanted the same things, but he couldn't see that.  and now we've lost each other forever and i hurt for him.  i'm sad for him.  because the way things ended between us has allowed me to open up instead of shutting down.  i've had to move on rather than hanging on to what i know can never be again.  staying strong is easier because it was him who made the mistake and i know i have to hold fast to my conviction.  i think it might not be as easy for him.  and that breaks my heart even more.  i want more than anything for him to be happy, but i know i can't be the person who does that for him.  and if i did hate ernest, then i wouldn't be able to move on at all.  

but there is too much of a connection between us for me to say that he was never "the one".  as hard as it may be, and as much as i wish i didn't, i'll always believe that ernest was my soul mate.  but i also believe i've redefined that term for my own personal life, because i no longer think that ernest was my only soul mate.  i know there is someone else for me, who isn't my complete opposite, but is more of a compliment to my personality.

i don't even know if this all makes sense right now.  my mind is a huge jumble today, and it's partially due to exhaustion and spreading myself thin, partially due to stress, and partially due to the different emotions i'm experiencing lately.  it's just too hard to process right now and i'm really just trying to focus on the good things and people in my life at this moment.  that's what is important to me right now.

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