Friday, August 31, 2012

hurts to think.

selfish.

that's the only word i can come up with right now.  he was feeling selfish, and now he can see the ramifications of giving into that feeling.  there was once a time where he was the only thing i was sure of in my future.  now, he's only a part of my past.

i wish i didn't know now, what i learned a few days ago.  it's made it so much harder to be angry with him.  i am still staying strong, but those feelings i had been suppressing or covering with anger have started to surface and it makes it hard to keep him from my mind.  i have plenty of distractions, don't get me wrong, but all i can think about is the look on his face when he realized it was really, truly over.

i'm not the first woman in my family to be betrayed by the man they love.  i certainly hope i'm the last, though.  that's why i'm holding so steady to my decision to cut him from my life. i never, ever want anyone to feel the way i've felt for the past month.  and if that means that i have to set the example, then i will.  ernest said he didn't realize i would be so strong.  well, it's easy when you think about the people you love.  i have two younger sisters who need to know that it's not okay for a man to treat you that way. 

it's sad really.  my dad is the only really, really good man i know.  i'm not sure how he managed to turn out that way, but i've never known him to not take care of our family and not respect my mom.  they've definitely had a rough time together, but dad never took the easy way out.  he works so hard to give us all what we want/need and i really don't think we show him enough appreciation.  i think now that i'm living with my parents again, i should study their relationship.  people always say that girls fall for a man like their father.  well, if that's the truth (because ernest certainly is nothing like my dad), then i'm going to be a very lucky girl one day.

i guess that's why i'm so upset that i didn't realize beforehand how much i deserved better.  i think deep down i knew that he was too selfish to put me first, but i thought that our relationship would work like that. this is somewhat lame, but i do blame myself for being so blind.  it's just that there was this part of me that loved him so earnestly that i overlooked all the times he wasn't there for me.  there was the time my car broke down an hour out of san antonio and danielle and i were stranded at a gas station.  there was the time i was moving into our apartment and my mom was helping my dad move furniture that was way too heavy for her.  there were all the dates we made that he slept through, and the times he didn't want to go with me places, but would and then pouted the whole time.  it got to the point that i wanted to stop inviting him.  not healthy.  not fair at all.

which is why i am so mad for feeling the way i do.  i should be angry.  i should hate him.  but i can't.  i can't forget any of the good memories any more than i can the bad ones.  and here i am trying to move on and it's so hard.  i just want to be happy with someone who is happy being with me.  really, i just want to be happy.

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