Thursday, February 23, 2012

storm warnin'.

Some mornings it's a gamble. Will the tears form today? What will push me over the edge? Am I just exhausted or is there something much deeper going on?

Yesterday I took my dog out for a walk, lifted my face to the sky, the stars, the unknown, and begged for an answer as tears slowly rolled down my face. There are many of those moments.

Is this the right path? All those times I've had doubts, should I have given in? Am I really doing what I want?  I ask myself these questions almost every day.  It doesn't feel like me.

There are times when I can't breathe; where my heart starts pounding and my head spins. I start to think of running. But where would I go?  I don't ever remember feeling so alone or confused.

I try to remind myself of all the strong women I want to emulate. My mom, Miranda Lambert, Michelle Obama...women who are unapologetic for who they are. Where is that in me? How do I find that version of myself?

Lately there have been so many new fears and disappointments cropping up in my life. I'm 25 years old and I haven't quite found the way to deal with them. Every day I feel like a different person. I want to be happy but I can't remember the last time I genuinely was.

Maybe this is just a winter funk. Maybe all these gloomy days we've been having, coupled with my getting sick and not having enough time to rest and get better, is seriously getting to me. Whatever it is, there's nothing I want more than to shake it.

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