Thursday, December 2, 2010

oh there you are!!

sometimes i forget why i started this blog.  or maybe i never even knew why.  my whole life is a "roller coaster ride".  there are so many ups and downs in a day, in an hour, even in a minute. 

sometimes i look at my blog posts and think, "i really wrote that?"  i'm not the kind of person who goes back and edits, or changes words (unless there are grammatical errors, pet peeve), so i generally just write whatever is on my mind and click on the "publish post" button. 

there are so many things that interest me, but not many things that hold my interest for long periods of time.  i've always, always, always been a writer, however.  i don't get to do much of it now, and rarely do i break out a pen and paper (my preferred method).  for months and months and months now i've felt listless, on top of sick, and i just can't put my finger on why. 

lately i'm starting to think it's because my creativity is stifled.  i've said it before and i'll say it again.  i work, workout, eat and sleep.  that's about it.  i don't talk to my family or friends on the phone (unless i'm walking/driving [with my earpiece i promise!]), i don't meet anyone for coffee (or in my case hot cocoa) and i don't write.  i have no time in my life.  this does not make me happy.  this job does not make me happy.  and i know i've said a million times, but i really want out.

i want out of new orleans, too.  i won't leave, because i made a commitment to someone i care so very deeply about and i wouldn't want him to leave me in a city i have no desire to be in, but geeeeez-us i cannot wait til i either get accepted to grad school or we finally move back home.  if for no other reason, my desire to get the hell-outta-dodge is fueling the fire behind my current plans for grad school. 

my point is, that i need to become a better writer.  and i need to find a way to take everything i've experienced in the past six years and grow from that, as an adult.  i need to realize what is important and just go for it.  and i need to stop being so wishy-washy about what i want.  hell, if i want to buy a $50 blazer and i have the money, i should just do it, right!?  haha, but in all seriousness, i should just take the GRE and stop being scared. 

in the past six years i've been so many places, met so many people, done so many things, but i was very selfish and self-destructive about all of it, and i don't feel as though i've been able to appreciate each and every experience for what it was.  there have been a lot more tough times, than good times, but why should i let those tough times dictate my future good ones??

i need to learn to focus.  i need to take all the energy i've been feeling lately and move forward, start thinking about the things that are going to matter to me when i'm old and (hopefully not) gray.  i want to be able to tell my children and grandchild and nephews and nieces inspiring stories.  things we can all be proud of.  things i can be proud of. 

my first step is to get into grad school.  my second is to write more often.  and then maybe, just maybe, everything will fall into place. 

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