little love letters.

dear squish:

i miss you more and more every day. 

sunday i put up our christmas tree (no ornaments, just the tree) and to make room for it i had to move our movie-bookshelf over to the other side of the room.  it wasn't heavy, but just doing those two things alone made me miss you infinitely more.  usually you're there to help me do these little projects i put together in my head.  and to pick up the pine needles in my wake. 

sometimes i just really need you to pick up the mess after me.  sometimes i just really need you to hold my hand.  i don't always know the right things to say, but you're always there to give me a hug and guide me through it all.  you make me feel better about all the things i stress over.  you calm me down, when i feel like i can't breathe.  you take everything in stride, and never make me feel the tiniest bit crazy.

i'm a self-doubter, but you've helped me to become more self-assured.  i ran two miles on the treadmill yesterday, and everytime i wanted to stop, everytime my body told me i couldn't, i thought of how you would tell me i was crazy, that i could do it, that i needed to do it, and so i did it.  you give me a lot of tough-love and i know sometimes i tell you that's not what i want, but you know me so well, you know that's exactly what i need.

some days, when you're gone, we don't get to talk.  i might get a text message letting me know you're okay, and i reply letting you know i'm okay, but that's the extent of our communication.  it's such a change from the days when you are home, and the days where you're the only person i talk to all day.  it's so hard not to have that.  i feel like it gets taken for granted when you are home. 

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i just want you to come home.  so bad.  i hate knowing that i'm going home this week to spend time with my family and you're not going to be there.  you ARE my family.  ever since the first day we started talking again, that fateful spring day in 2006 (whooooa dramatic), you've been my family.  nothing can change that, short of you pulling a tony parker.  or a charlie sheen.  just sayin'.  maybe my family or friends would call me crazy sprung, maybe i am just a little bit obsessed, but i want to be with you every second of every minute of every hour of every single day.  you're my other half, why wouldn't i?

so, even if i am having the greatest time at home, just know that it won't compare to how happy i would be if you were there, too. 

i love you, squish.